What's in a Name?

It's still very early days, and whilst the discovery that Asperger's syndrome describes me to a T is comforting, encouraging and liberating, this new found Aspie identity takes some adjusting to.

In the last few years, I've often lightheartedly, but accurately, described myself as 'fundamentally antisocial'.  Now I have a new label to describe that aspect of myself, and so much more besides.  And, honestly, Aspie sits quite comfortably.  I have a physics degree, for goodness sake, I've known plenty of people more socially awkward than myself.  I'm not phased by the idea of AS.  To me, Asperger's is not a negative, any more than left-handedness, it's just a different way of being wired.  But I admit, I am struggling more with the notion of Autism or Autistic Spectrum Disorder.  As well as a degree in physics, I have one in psychology (yep, the numerous degrees, some half-completed is seemingly a feature of AS), and I remember doing some pretty in depth reading on autism in the course of my studies.  The bulk focused on classical autism, and whilst I always felt considerable empathy with descriptions of the difficulties of people with autism, it all seemed very extreme and disabling.  I'm completely aware that autism falls on a spectrum, and I'm clearly high functioning/less severely affected.  Yet I still feel a degree of discomfort with sitting under the same umbrella label as people with severe learning difficulties and extreme disabilities in communication.  Perhaps this will just take some getting used to.

Ah ha!

So I've had somewhat of a revelation in the last few days.

I really struggle with my little boy's need for lots of nursing and physical contact, and had always put this down to my extreme introversion.  I read a suggestion last week, that this kind of response could be related to Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Processing Disorder.  Hmmm.  Well, I knew I didn't have Asperger's.  Sure, I'm socially awkward, but I have empathy, I don't stim, I can't recite the entire 6 episodes of the Star Wars saga forwards backwards and sideways.  But the sensory stuff...the more I read, the more things started to resonate for me.  I can't bear the TV volume too high.  I find loud talking really stressful to listen to.  I get easily overwhelmed by auditory input from lots of different sources, e.g social gatherings.  I have hideous balance.  Bright, especially fluorescent lights really disturb me.  In fact I once left a summer job largely because the fluorescent lights were stressing me so much.  Of course, I made a socially acceptable excuse.  After all, how I could I say that I was leaving the job because I didn't like the lighting?  Crazy, right?  So perhaps there was something in the sensory stuff after all.

It was only a couple of days ago, but I don't even remember now how I came across this description of Asperger's traits in women, but reading it was like a million lightbulbs turning on.  This is me.  Hmmm, probably just Interns' Syndrome or the Barnum Effect, right?  I handed the table to my husband to have a look at.  'Yeah, that's you', he replied matter of factly.  And I got a chill.  Yes.  So much made sense.  Why have I always felt so different?  Why are so many things that 'should' be easy so bloody difficult for me?  Why can't a person of my intelligence hold down a normal job?  Why had I never had a long term relationship until I met my husband at the age of 27?  Why is friendship such an opaque process to me?  Why, even when I've recovered from my numerous bouts of depression can I still not function like I'm supposed to?

Perhaps I've not been able to be normal not because I don't try hard enough, or that I'm pathetic, but just because my brain works differently.  Not worse, not defectively, but differently from most other people.  I am convinced I have Asperger's.  And, perhaps oddly, I feel liberated.