So I've had somewhat of a revelation in the last few days.
I really struggle with my little boy's need for lots of nursing and physical contact, and had always put this down to my extreme introversion. I read a suggestion last week, that this kind of response could be related to Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Processing Disorder. Hmmm. Well, I knew I didn't have Asperger's. Sure, I'm socially awkward, but I have empathy, I don't stim, I can't recite the entire 6 episodes of the Star Wars saga forwards backwards and sideways. But the sensory stuff...the more I read, the more things started to resonate for me. I can't bear the TV volume too high. I find loud talking really stressful to listen to. I get easily overwhelmed by auditory input from lots of different sources, e.g social gatherings. I have hideous balance. Bright, especially fluorescent lights really disturb me. In fact I once left a summer job largely because the fluorescent lights were stressing me so much. Of course, I made a socially acceptable excuse. After all, how I could I say that I was leaving the job because I didn't like the lighting? Crazy, right? So perhaps there was something in the sensory stuff after all.
It was only a couple of days ago, but I don't even remember now how I came across this description of Asperger's traits in women, but reading it was like a million lightbulbs turning on. This is me. Hmmm, probably just Interns' Syndrome or the Barnum Effect, right? I handed the table to my husband to have a look at. 'Yeah, that's you', he replied matter of factly. And I got a chill. Yes. So much made sense. Why have I always felt so different? Why are so many things that 'should' be easy so bloody difficult for me? Why can't a person of my intelligence hold down a normal job? Why had I never had a long term relationship until I met my husband at the age of 27? Why is friendship such an opaque process to me? Why, even when I've recovered from my numerous bouts of depression can I still not function like I'm supposed to?
Perhaps I've not been able to be normal not because I don't try hard enough, or that I'm pathetic, but just because my brain works differently. Not worse, not defectively, but differently from most other people. I am convinced I have Asperger's. And, perhaps oddly, I feel liberated.
I really struggle with my little boy's need for lots of nursing and physical contact, and had always put this down to my extreme introversion. I read a suggestion last week, that this kind of response could be related to Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Processing Disorder. Hmmm. Well, I knew I didn't have Asperger's. Sure, I'm socially awkward, but I have empathy, I don't stim, I can't recite the entire 6 episodes of the Star Wars saga forwards backwards and sideways. But the sensory stuff...the more I read, the more things started to resonate for me. I can't bear the TV volume too high. I find loud talking really stressful to listen to. I get easily overwhelmed by auditory input from lots of different sources, e.g social gatherings. I have hideous balance. Bright, especially fluorescent lights really disturb me. In fact I once left a summer job largely because the fluorescent lights were stressing me so much. Of course, I made a socially acceptable excuse. After all, how I could I say that I was leaving the job because I didn't like the lighting? Crazy, right? So perhaps there was something in the sensory stuff after all.
It was only a couple of days ago, but I don't even remember now how I came across this description of Asperger's traits in women, but reading it was like a million lightbulbs turning on. This is me. Hmmm, probably just Interns' Syndrome or the Barnum Effect, right? I handed the table to my husband to have a look at. 'Yeah, that's you', he replied matter of factly. And I got a chill. Yes. So much made sense. Why have I always felt so different? Why are so many things that 'should' be easy so bloody difficult for me? Why can't a person of my intelligence hold down a normal job? Why had I never had a long term relationship until I met my husband at the age of 27? Why is friendship such an opaque process to me? Why, even when I've recovered from my numerous bouts of depression can I still not function like I'm supposed to?
Perhaps I've not been able to be normal not because I don't try hard enough, or that I'm pathetic, but just because my brain works differently. Not worse, not defectively, but differently from most other people. I am convinced I have Asperger's. And, perhaps oddly, I feel liberated.
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